Why Does This Even Surprise Me Anymore?

The #1 rule of remodeling is that anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. Every fucking time.

We went to pick out a tree last week for our median. The city is very strict about the type and size of tree that you plant, and we have to have an appropriate tree to get our final inspection (and END this remodel, finally).

I went to a local nursery to pick out a tree. I took a tape measure with me to make sure that I picked one with all the right requirements. I spent a full hour measuring trees until I found a perfect one. Hooray! A perfect tree! Feeling victorious, I tagged the tree with the neon orange ribbon that the nursery had given me, and then I returned to the cashier.

This particular nursery is enormous, as in SO enormous that you have to drive around in it to find your plants. So I returned to the front desk and had a long conversation with the cashier about exactly where my tree was located. I wanted to make sure that when their delveries guys went to get it, they would know exactly where it was.

The cashier seemed to understand me, nodding along while I pointed to the map. So then I paid and tried to arrange the delivery. Well, it turns out that they can DELIVER the tree, but that they have no way of getting it off of their truck once they arrive at your house (and all of this service for only $100 -- I guess gas prices really ARE high!). It is a BYOF kind of deal (the "F" is for forklift). With this new, utterly ridculous information, I canceled the delivery.

We instead hired a guy to go pick the tree up and plant it. I called the nursery and explained that someone else would be getting the tree for me. They said no problem, so long as he had the paperwork. So I gave him the paperwork, sent him on his way, and went to my job.

When I came home on Friday, how excited I was! For there, in our median, was planted our new beautiful city-code-abiding magnolia! Yay!...Wait. Fucking mother fucker, that is NOT the tree that I picked out. NOT the tree that I sunburned my shoulders for while spending an hour measuring tree trunks with my trusty Stanley measuring tape. NOT the tree that I wrapped my orange neon ribbon around. And certainly NOT the tree that I paid $576 for and another $400 for someone to pick it up and plant it. Man was I pissed. Really fucking pissed.

It turns out that they just gave our guy some random tree. He told me that he had to trim a lot of branches off the bottom since the city wouldn't like that. I thought, well no duh the city wouldn't like it which is why I PICKED OUT A TREE WITH NO LOW BRANCHES!!!!!

So off my husband and I went to the nursery yesterday to find out what in the hell happened. We arrived, found our tree still sitting out there with the orange ribbon around it, and went to go talk to the cashier. She explained that they had a strict policy that they don't take returns if something has been planted. Okay, fine for most cases, but when your company fucks up, don't you think you should bend the rules? She explained that the receipt did not say "tagged" on it, which it should have, apparently. Okay, fine, so yet again YOUR company messed up because the cashier didn't type "tagged" on our receipt. She went and talked to the cashier who helped me the first time. That little blonde bitch said that, no, I never told her that I tagged a tree. No, no, she absolutely does NOT recall me pointing to the map, her nodding her head, etc. Fucking blonde bitch. She said there had been a "miscommunication." Miscommunication, my ass -- YOU fucked up.

After some talking back and forth, they said that they would take the tree back. I said that that was great, but that they ALSO needed to pay the $400 dollars that it would take to plant it AGAIN. No dice. So we got the manager's name (due to return on Wednesday) and walked out.

So what is my plan, you ask? First, I am having the city come out to see if the tree is okay, even though it does not quite meet code. If it is okay, I will leave it in, but I am still contesting the entire charge on my credit card. I will cancel my contesting if they discount the tree 50% for making us do all of this crap. If the city says it is NOT okay, then we will definitely be returning it and getting our REAL tree, but STILL contesting the charge. They have a choice as I see it: Lose $400 by paying us to re-plant it, OR lose $600 by not doing what they should do. And I definitey will be calling the Better Business Bureau if necessary.


But people, ALL we had to do was get a freakin' tree!!! Honestly, can't one, just ONE little thing about this remodel go right? How could planting a stupid tree turn into yet ANOTHER castastrophe? I'll tell you how -- because fucking up simple things is what remodeling is all about. It is the law of the universe.

BUT...yes there is a but. I am adopting a new life philosophy. Instead of getting angry about things like this (because they are just happening way too often around here and I am losing years off my life with all of the stress), I am going to LAUGH at everything bad that happens. HA HA HA! Isn't this so ridiculously FUNNY that even our TREE is messed up! Who could have known such a FUNNY thing could happen? HA HA HA ha ha...ha...ha.................ha. Ha.

Hmmmm, this might take a little more practice.