Last of the Top 5

I am blogging like a crazy woman today because:

(a) Quinn took a 3, count them THREE, hour nap,

(b) Henry has been earning couch potato status by doing a screen triathlon -- Sonic Heroes on Gamecube, Tom and Jerry on TV thanks to the brilliance of DVR, and computer games thanks to tickleu.com and nickjr.com, and

(c) I have been home with my children for almost five years besides a minimal amount of part-time work, so this whole blog thing is the best intellectual stimulation I have had in a while. Sad, I know, but true.

Sooooooo, since Quinn is now watching Dora (again, DVR, I worship you), I was inspired to do my last Top 5 list. Last not because I have run out of ideas, but because I have a wee bit of an obsessive personality and could potentially keep doing them for hours on end. For days, if not months. I have problems. Regardless, drum roll please, here is the #5 Top 5 list for your entertainment:

Top 5 Things I Seriously Never Thought I Would Do As A Mother

5. Say "Because I told you so." I thought I would have a rational and eloquent explanation for every decision, and I did, until about age 4. After four years I just got tired, and decided that this classic phrase is acceptable in my mama lingo at least once a week.

4. Allow toy weapons. Again, we were on a roll for several years. No weapons. Then Henry went to preschool at age three and his best friend there taught him all about Ninja Turtles. From there, it was a downward spiral into Power Rangers and other such things. Now we own toy swords and toy guns, and I have a two-year old who likes to go around "killing bad guys," though he does say it in the cutest little voice.

3. Allow them to watch a ton of TV sometimes just because I can get SO much stuff done. My boys love me. Really love me. Like in a way that usually involves rubbing themselves with crazy glue and adhering themselves to my leg or hip. So every once in a while (like today), I decide that a 3 hour TV stint is well worth the dishes getting done, the laundry getting washed, me calling my sister, or me writing a blog that I know will never be read by anyone but gives me great pleasure nonetheless. Oh, or taking a shower -- sheer luxury.

2. Lose my temper. I know -- delusional. But you have to understand how fabulous of a mamma I thought I would be. Before having kids, I baby-sat dozens of youngsters, taught swimming to little kids, assisted a special education class, tutored math for kids ages 5 to 18, taught high school, and helped out with my two stepdaughters, all without losing my cool. But being around other kids versus raising your own kids is like comparing puppy love to the real deal. Once it is all you, 24 hours a day, with two little guys who are, shall we say spirited -- game over. No way in hell can I make it not yelling throughout a day of not one but three fights over who gets the blue plate or the yellow tractor or the piece of lint rolling around the kitchen floor. Not to mention the five hundred questions involving how to spell a word or what is this number plus that number or what is the opposite of shoe (there isn't one, right?) or any number of questions beginning with the word "why." I should mention that all of these questions are asked of me when I am either going to the bathroom, cooking, trying to talk on the phone, or some other actual important task. In other words, these questions never arise when I am lounging in the backyard (like I ever do that!) or watering the flowers. These are more like, "Mommy is trying to shove in a tampon in private in record speed so as not to warp your little mind, so please get away from the bathroom door" types of questions. Lose temper daily? Yes. Drink daily? Yes. Anyone else feel like a nice glass of Chateau Neuf right now? And don't even get me started on my stepdaughters' fights. If you don't believe that two pre-teen girls can fight over who gets to wear a certain pair of socks (that's right, socks) or who gets to push a 70 pound double stroller, then come to my house, and proof you shall have.

1. Love, love and love my kiddos, despite numbers 2 through 5 above. I know everyone says it, and no one believes it until it happens to them. It's like old people telling you that time flies and you nod your head politely but don't quite get it -- until, that is, YOU start getting older and suddenly years are flying by at light speed. Same thing with motherhood (or fatherhood, too, for that matter). You bring these little things into the world and know you will love them, but really you don't know. You look at them that first day and think, "THIS is what I would supposedly take a bullet for? This crying, red, wrinkly little raisin that suckles my boobs every hour and cries every minute?" But you are so naive. You don't know that soon every smile they flash will melt you in a nanosecond, that you will wonder and worry about every moment of their future life, that you will go into their room at night when they are fast asleep and won't be able to stop giving them goodnight kisses. That if you are lucky enough to have two kids, you will stare at one, stare at the other, and alternate back and forth between the two for at least ten minutes, if not more, deciding which one to look at last before you go to bed yourself at midnight (oh wait, the clock only says 8:30 -- what the hell?). That you start to understand that you will NEVER be the same again, but in the best, most amazing possible way.