Just When You Think The Laundry Is Done....An Evil Toilet Of Doom

There seems to be a rule in my house. I have known this rule for some time but seem to always ignore it, resulting in consequences every time. So what is the rule? Here it is -- Never, I repeat NEVER, finish ALL of the laundry. Why? Because it makes the laundry gods angry, and they are vindictive bastards, those laundry gods.

Some examples from laundry gods past:

I get every item of cotton through the ol' spin cycle and Henry throws up in bed. Hence more laundry.

After a full day of folding I have a clothes hamper emptier than my savings account, and Quinn leaks through his diaper on the couch. Hence more laundry.

I spend a weekend using up an entire gallon of Tide on the seemingly endless amount of clothes in the hamper, and Henry and Quinn decide to play in the sandbox that is our backyard (thanks to our remodel). And it just rained, so it is really more of a mudpit. Hence more laundry.

....

Why in the hell I have not figured out that I should ALWAYS leave a sacrificial item of clothing in the hamper to appease the Zeus of Laundry is beyond me. Maybe I am glutton for punishment. Maybe I am just plain dumb. Maybe both. Maybe Laundry Zeus is just a fucking asshole who likes to toy with people's heads. Regardless, it NEVER fails.

Empty Hamper = Impending, Inevitable Mess


So today, I foolishly spent all day doing a pile of laundry that would make Mount Everest look like it had shrinkage. Around 4 pm, I was congratulating myself on that empty hamper in front of me. What a day! We had all four kids all day ( H and Q, plus stepdaughters Carrie and Ally), and they spent the whole afternoon being so creative and amazing. They made a whole video that was a murder mystery, where Carrie was the secret killer and Henry was the hero (and you thought we wouldn't get to use his Halloween Power Ranger costume again -- ha!). They made sets involving a coffee shop, a fight scene, and apparently, as I found out afterwards (I have yet to see the video), an "evil toilet of doom." Their words, not mine.

Here are instructions for how to make an "evil toilet of doom":

1. Take all of the used towels off of the shower rod and put them on the toilet.

2. Take all of the clean towels from the vanity and put them around the base of the toilet.

3. Decide that this is not enough towels to make the toilet "doomworthy," therefore decide to add a thick blanket from the bed (thank god THEIR bed, not mine) into the mix.

Voila! There you have your "evil toilet of doom." Hence more laundry. But I really do have to see their video. Anything involving a coffe shop and an evil toilet of doom has Oscar written all over it.


Seriously, though, when WILL I learn about the laundry? In an effort to change my crooked laundry ways, I am now making this solemn vow to the laundry gods:

Laundry Zeus, I pledge the following to you: From this day forth, I shall never have an empty hamper again. I shall honor you with one sock, one soiled panty, or perhaps one shirt with dinosaur oatmeal droppings on it. Maybe a bra or two. In exchange, I ask of you to bestow upon me a house free of vomit, urine, and evil toilets of doom. I will even share our Oscar with you.

Now I am off to go sacrifice some Bounce dryer sheets, just for good measure. Maybe I will throw in my neighbors' birds, too. Not for good measure, just because they are highly annoying. The birds, not the neigbors. Okay, both.